After all these years

To see what you see
After all of these years
Outside my fierce belief
I defended through my tears

Are there fields beyond these walls
Gardens planted, shadows fall on houses
Could I find myself out there
Could I make it out
of patterns I am now aware of

(from one of a number of songs I'm writing based on sabbatical experiences and changes)

The Watershed Coursebook

The Watershed Coursebook is done and posted online. You can order it if you'd like. Those of you who get it as a reward for Kickstarting the project will be getting your copies once we get them and ship them to you (so it will be a while yet). It's exciting to be done with this.

A bit about this book: I wrote the coursebook as a way of 1. getting some of my thoughts about transition and growth on to paper, 2. using the lyrics of the Watershed album as a launching point for reflection, 3. giving people who want to dig deeper into some of the album's themes a way to do it, and 4. trying spiritual and personal growth together with the art and music of the Watershed Project.

This is the first time I've attempted anything like this, so it's exciting and scary. See what you think. I'm excited to find out -- six months from now -- if it is helpful to those who pick up a copy. I am, after all, headed into the wilderness... this FRIDAY!!!

The art and illustrations are by Christa and I. I wrote the text. The book is 7x9 inches, black and white, 114 pages. Please note that even though some of the photos show up in color in this preview, in the actual book THEY ARE ALL BLACK and WHITE. It's some strange glitch in the system. Just wanted to be clear.

Bring Some Trouble by Jonathan Reuel | Make Your Own Book

God on Scale

I imagine God saying something like"

"You humans get so worked up about scale, distance, weight, etc. Why? You should be impressed by what really matters. These things can be helpful in cultivating a sense of awe and humility, but their substance is less than many things you overlook daily."

Getting Stuck in Action or Reflection

Part of the value of the action reflection cycle is to recognize patterns: where do I tend to get stuck? How about you?

Do I get stuck in reflection?
Do I get stuck being productive and not stop to reflect?

I enjoy both and different areas tend towards one or the other. I reflect about spirituality and music a lot, although I write songs often with very little reflection.

In relationships I tend to process a lot. In practical arenas I tend to do too little of both. Avoidance anyone?

I feel like a little kid

Are there areas of your life where you feel like a little kid? Like you missed the bus to that school somehow... every day? Like maybe you don't even know where your locker is?

I do.

It's weird. There's just things that I never learned that I feel like "I should know by now." How did I get here? It's embarrassing... which makes it harder to ask for help.

Like what?

- Filling out forms. I recently traded personal coaching time with a a guy who helped me fill out a form. It wasn't that complicated, but I just had a mental/emotional block about it. I've been trying to get it done for several years.

- Changing strings on a tremolo lock guitar.

- Being yelled at. I can handle a high level of emotion and think straight, bring perspective, etc -- as long as the emotion isn't aimed at me. When it is I sometimes shut down. Seems like I should know this by now.

But honestly, we've all got these blind spots and holes in our skillset. Encourage someone you know today to start the process of growing up in an area where they feel like they already should be but aren't.

Growth, Constraint Theory and Getting in Peoples' Faces

My main mentor recently challenged me to think about some of the people I walk with and ask this question: what is the one thing that, if they'd make progress on it, would move them forward significantly and unlock growth in a number of areas?

Flip Flippin's constraint theory suggests that for each person there is just such a personal constraint that if it can be overcome makes an incremental difference.

Once I got a sense of a person's constraint, what if I looked at my own life in that area first, and then got in their faces and asked them what they are going to do about it? What if I came with suggestions, shared how I'm working at it, didn't assume I knew what would be best for them but challenged them to address it because it's core?

The Worker, the Warrior and the Gaps in Me

All this "grunt-grunt-manly-fish-and-hike-and-shoot" writing of John Eldridges sort of pisses me off. (For those of you who have no connection to the USAmerican Christian subculture and don't know this author, my apologies. You might want to check him out). The writing often seems one-dimensional, over-simplified and ignorant of or damaging to women. It paints a picture of manhood and life that feels like it owes too much to western romanticism and the military. It rankles my anabaptist roots. It drives the wedge between the genders deeper by confirming stereotypes and painting women as passive, men as active.

That being said, one of his books is currently being both helpful and challenging to me. (Go figure). In "the Way of the Wild Heart" Eldridge describes overarching metaphors/cycles/stages of a man's life -- beloved child, cowboy/robin hood, warrior, king, sage.

His idea is that something different is formed in us during each phase, that we often miss out on some or most of the process depending on our situation, but that God is at work giving us opportunities to return to those phases in small ways to be formed in ways we missed out on the first time (as a beloved son, an adventurer, a wise ruler, etc).

I'm recognizing gaps in me, as well as becoming grateful for the opportunities and gifts I've been given by parents, friends and mentors. My life is sort of like Eldridges' writing -- frustrating, beautiful, challenging, helpful and incomplete.

Fear and Pressure Patterns

Several recent conversations helped me see a pattern in my life that, if it could change, would make a big difference in my relationships, my confidence, and my effectiveness. As is usually the case with these things, seeing the problem clearly brought me hope things could change. Hope has been followed by a process of gradual change, punctuated by small leaps forward, and requiring help from others.

So here's the pattern:

A situation arises which requires my action.
I begin to engage it.
The way I engage it frustrates someone else.
They react (in small or large ways).
I begin to feel trapped, scared, hopeless, angry and pressured to somehow fix things. Quickly.
I react: usually I disengage, capitulate, or lash out, often without even realizing what I'm feeling.

Nice, eh? And you all thought I was so mature. :) Or, if you know me well you're shocked that I'm just figuring this out now. So why do I act like this? How did I get into this pattern?

Some of this pattern, I think, I learned by osmosis from observation and being in situations where people handled conflict this way. Also my personality which loves freedom and connection (two things threatened in these situations) plays into it. I'm a first born with the tendency to take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. I also think self-protection is a natural human response which is operating in a twisted way here.

How can this change?
Somehow trust must replace fear, courage and hope are needed to withstand the pressure, and the pattern needs to be broken. The key ingredients for me in this so far have been the sense that God is working in me and that this isn't something I can or have to do alone, perspective from people who know me, and some new skills/practices I'm developing.

What skills am I learning?
1. To check my internal state when I'm going into a situation that requires my engagement or leadership. I take a couple minutes to ask myself "am I trusting God? Do I have hope? Am I afraid?" I am beginning to take the state of my heart as a real factor in the situation, rather than something to ignore. I'm not very good at this yet, but I've seen signs of progress already even as I muddle forward.
2. To pay attention to the kind of feedback I'm getting from people. If others are reacting to me it might just be that I'm bringing a new idea, but it might be that they are picking up on my fear or pressure and are feeling pushed or manipulated.
3. To get perspective from people who love me -- I've described this pattern to several friends and they sometimes recognize the pattern when I don't. Seeing it allows me to get in the fight at least.